There is something that has been weighing on my mind lately that I feel like I need to share. This whole blog thing has been difficult for me because I desire to bare my soul but I always feel hesitant to truely show how I feel. I think a large part of it has to do with an experience that I had in junior high. My ninth grade class took a science exploration trip to Blakely Island. There were 9 students; 7 boys and 2 girls. On my birthday, the boys thought it would be funny to break into my room and steal my diary and read it. I had writted my personal thought about each boy, and went on and on about the boy that I had a cruch on. I guess after that it's not surprising that I have a hard time being fully honest on paper how I feel. I wish I knew how to overcome this feeling, and not fear what people would think of me or how they would react if I was able to be truely honest. I'm not saying that I have all these pent up horrible feeling about people, but there are things that I know would hurt people's feelings if I told them how I really feel.
So I stuff. Which ends up harming me more than it would if I would just speak up and tell people what I should. Once again, another vague argument that is shallow and conveluted, but none the less, still something that has been heavy on my heart. I wish I had the balls to be honest all the time. I wish I was brave enough to push past my own fear, and speak my mind then be able to seperate someone elses reactions from myself. I wish I did not stuff, but helped myself by truely communicating with others. Please dont' take this as a personal gripe, because this is not directred at anyone. It's just an inner conflict that I am trying to get out. Please comment on this, I really would like to interact with this one. Thanks for reading, and listening
1 comment:
You know... I know exactly what you mean... I haven't had anyone read or break into my stuff and make fun of me... and at the same time I think it's very hard for people to share in general because of the fear of what people think... I'm about ready to make myself an anonymous blog.. simply so I can talk about some things w/o worrying... and yet I struggle w/ the idea because it could be too easy to be mean and ungraceful and become bitter and jaded rather than processing it w/ love and grace. yeah not sure if that makes sense... just a thought... for me as well.
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