Grrrrr

Do you ever just walk around angry at people you don't even know? Like when you are driving, and somone pulls in front of you. Even though there was plenty of space behind you, this jerk decided to pull in front of you. YOU! Didn't he see all the other room? Didn't he know that you were there first?!?!?!

I serve at the front desk at CBS radio, and I see prize listeners come through the door all day long. I've only worked at this job for 2 1/2 months, but even in that short period of time, whenever a winner walks through that door, I automatically get a sinking feeling in my stomach. What attitude are they going to give me. How can I make their life miserable? It's like I enjoy enforcing the rules (especially on some people more than others), and get a little thrill about them not being happy with me enforcing the new rules.

I have been wondering why, these past few weeks, I get so upset over such little things. I can't seem to drive anywhere without having an inner dialogue of how competitive I am. Last week I labeled it as a lack of compassion. That's what I thought it was, but last night Pastor Lee labeled it as comtempt. He said that it was contempt for others that keeps us from being able to live pure lives. He described that God took him to a place where He showed him all the heads that he had up on his wall of contempt. This really struck a chord for me. It was one of the things that I nailed to the cross last night. It was contempt for people that I do not know, and automatically sterio type that has robbed me the ability to show God to everyone who walks through that door at work. It was contempt for other drivers that makes me feel like I am entitled to get upset.

So now that it's nailed to the cross, my reaction is 'what do I do now'. Josh kept telling me to stop using the word I when I try to fix things. MAN, THAT'S HARD! I automatically look at what I nailed to the cross, and try to figure out how I am going to get rid of it, or what I am going to change. I can't do it. I know this in my head, in theory, but in practice I am still lacking. It's strange to me that I will change simply because I was willing. I don't have to will anything to change, I just have to be available.

So this morning on my drive to work the argument that I have with other drivers was a little quieter, and a little more distant. The control freak in me wants me to figure out how I did thta, and try to keep it happening. But the Christian in me know's to shut up, and try not to screw it up. Just let God do it. Step out of the way, and be ok with recieving help. GOSH! I feel like I could cry.